Existential Bloom

I can’t believe I’m typing this while sitting next to yet another man who just won’t leave.

To put it bluntly, I get trapped in relationships by relying on them too much for financial support and being too insatiably awesome for them to let go (allegedly).

I don’t and have never enjoyed living with a man

And I don’t support it unless you’re married or extremely financially stable and just really want someone in your house. Even married, I’ll want my own room in the house, my own private space. The person I end up with has to be OK with not being around me all the fu—-g time. 

I ended up living with a person I went on two dates with; granted my lease was ending soon and I was only staying with him temporarily. It just happened to be February 2020, so I was there all year. I enjoyed being kept, having my needs met, and being able to freely frolick around a beautiful home while the man is away working. I loved it, the only problem really, was that me and him just weren’t compatible. I realized this early on, and expressed this to him in many ways on multiple occasions. They hear what they wanna hear. It doesn’t matter if I tell a person simply, I don’t think we should be together and I’m not happy with you and I think there’s better people out there for the both of us. They want what they want, and that means I can’t get what I want which is my autonomy or freedom from them. Not until I silently save and stack my money and silently make moves to where I can safely get away from them, and then reality hits them. But I have to be far away. My ex from 2020 called the police on me while I was sleeping because I packed my bags and told him I was leaving the next day (silly me).

I slept in jail for a few hours until he bailed me out, then I walked back to his apartment (since we lived downtown) where I was met with a bouquet of pink roses, an apology card, and my allowance back (insert psychotherapy term for that type of behavior). From that point, I knew I just had to be extremely smart and stealth with how I deal with men who try to domesticate and dominate me. Incredible to say, six years later, we’re actually friends still. I think he’s finally with someone that is good for him, and he’s still someone that I can be friends with because I always enjoyed him as a friend (and he apologized for the way he treated me). I think he just had to get to the point where he realized you cannot control people, and you should love yourself enough to not try to be with someone that clearly does not want you.

And that’s where I’ll pick up this series of stories about my romantic life with men.